kunoichi

Kunoichi’s guide to cheating partners

In Espionage, General, Information on September 20, 2006 at 1:18 pm

It’s an inconvenient truth that most people will be the perpetrator or victim of infidelity during their lifetime. For some time now, I have been loosely involved with a private investigations agency, and can honestly say that the most frequent ‘domestic’ contracts are to spy on cheating spouses. So whether you are worried that your partner is having an affair, or if you are the one cheating and want to know the pitfalls to avoid, here is my quick guide to cheating partners.


Why do people have affairs?
How to catch a cheat
Signs of infidelity
What if there is no evidence?
If you discover your partner is unfaithful
The perfect affair?

Why do people have affairs?

In a study by the New York Times (2003), 45% of married men and 35% of women admitted to having had an affair.
There could be any one of a thousand reasons for someone to have an affair: boredom with a current partner; an overactive sex drive; to boost the ego, or even, just because they can!
Generally speaking, women are better “cheaters” than men: they are better at keeping their affairs under wraps and usually have an agenda for their infidelity. Few affairs occur because the cheating party truly want to leave their established partner, especially when they are married. Very few married men leave their wives for their mistress! That is, unless their wife abandons them…

How to catch a cheat

If you suspect your partner of having an affair, there is usually some reasoning behind the suspicion, even if it is just a gut feeling that something is wrong.

In my opinion, it is better not to confront a suspected cheat directly unless you have some proof: if your suspicion is unfounded, this scenario can build distrust; if there is something to hide, chances are the suspicious party will lie, and then try harder to hide their mischievous ways! But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask indirectly; there could well be a reasonable answer to your questions.

Hiring a private investigator to follow and monitor your partner’s behaviour should realistically be used as a last resort: aside from being a costly venture, most evidence of infidelity can be found personally, and in areas where the investigator cannot intrude.

Signs of infidelity

Generally, there are seven areas in which evidence of infidelity may be discovered:

  • Behaviour in the relationship
  • Communication devices
  • Personal spaces
  • Physical clues
  • Business and travel behaviour
  • Finances
  • Accidental slip-ups

The following is a brief, and by no means comprehensive analysis of what could be discovered about a suspected cheat:

Relationship Behaviour:

If your partner is cheating on you, chances are they will treat you differently on some level: perhaps they seem distant or aloof, or even the opposite, showering you with gifts for no apparent reason. This can happen even on a subconscious level.

What your partner chooses to discuss, or rather, leave out of conversations, can provide some clues. Perhaps your partner is unable (or rather, unwilling) to fill in the gaps of their day to day behaviour, leaving out details you would normally hear about.

Since affairs use up a considerable amount of time, your partner’s absences may become more frequent and lengthy as they try to steal time from other areas in order to be with their lover.

Sexual behaviour may also change, so be aware of the frequency and quality of your sex life. It could be that your partner suddenly has a low libido, or has found some new and unusual trick in the bedroom department. If you do suspect your partner of infidelity, it is imperative that you protect yourself against sexually transmitted diseases!

Communications devices

So many affairs are discovered because an unfaithful partner has forgotten to delete messages (or has deliberately kept them, hoping they would not be discovered!).

If you can sneak a look at your partner’s mobile phone or emails, you may find calls or messages relating to the affair (don’t forget to look in the “sent items” folder). Be cautious is your partner has suddenly become very clingy to their mobile phone or put passwords on their PC when they hadn’t before. There are, of course, ways of bypassing such precautions in order to discover what is being hidden, such as key-loggers for the PC and call/sms interception for the mobile phone (see here for a great example!).

Some cheats even call their lovers from home, or have their lovers call them there. In such cases, you could try to find the number of suspicious callers (by calling 1471 in the UK), or look at telephone bills to see if any suspicious numbers have been called from the line (the same case applies to mobile phone bills too).

Personal spaces

You may be able to find evidence of an affair in your partner’s personal spaces: for example: their bag, wallet or pockets, their office, in their car or the place where they keep important documents. Receipts, credit card statements, notes and even gifts may crop up for which there is no reasonable explanation.

Physical clues

A cheating partner may suddenly decide to change their appearance, lose weight or adopt a different style of body language. Usually this is not intended for a current partner (who would be considered to love them just the way they are).

A person’s eating habits may change when they are being unfaithful; their appetite may change, they may be influenced by the tastes of their lover or the way they like their food prepared. Often this area is overlooked by suspicious partners.

Another clue may lie with smells and tastes: each person has their unique taste and scent, which becomes unnoticeable until it is replaced with something else.

Business and travel

Many cheats use the excuse of working late/longer hours to steal more time for their lover. Also, a cheat may suddenly need to travel (alone) more often than expected.

Try dropping by their workplace unexpectedly (with an infallible excuse, such as a forgotten lunch or a reason for being in the area); you could catch them out, or notice an unexpected reaction. If travel is becoming a problem, suggest that you travel with them and judge the reaction.

Finances

Credit card and bank statements, telephone bills and unreasonable expenditure may provide clues to unfaithfulness. Keep an eye on what your partner is spending, and what they are spending money on.

Accidental disclosures

Your partner may accidentally let something slip about their lover in the course of conversation, or forget the details of a lie that they have told. Other instances may include a friend calling when you assumed your partner was with them, or even calling you by another name.

What if there is no evidence?

If you find no solid evidence of infidelity, then consider yourself lucky and let the matter rest! Changes in behaviour may well be the result of other lifestyle situations; don’t be consumed by suspicion if there is nothing concrete to be suspicious of! It may well help to talk with your partner about your reasons for being suspicious; chances are there will be a reasonable explanation for them!

If you discover your partner is unfaithful

Discovering that your partner has cheated on you can feel like a bomb has exploded in your world. Before confronting your partner, take some time to decide what you are going to do about it. Charging in feet first with anger can make the situation worse. Cheats usually keep their lovers secret because they don’t want to hurt their partner. Many cheats lie when they are confronted, even to the extent of stating that the sky is red, when it is most definitely blue! If you want closure in the matter, it is better to present undisputable evidence in a calm and reasonable manner, telling your partner exactly what you expect of them.

The perfect affair?

There really is no such thing as a perfect affair when infidelity is part of the picture. Not only is the cuckolded partner hurt by the affair, but the cheater can also be consumed by guilt, confused by the tangled web of lies, and even resentful towards their partner. It’s not a pretty picture.

But if you are adamant to have an affair, here are a few guidelines:

  • Affairs are best kept short and sweet. Two weeks is about enough; any more than that and awkward feelings can start to develop, as well as the increased risk of being caught.
  • Don’t have an affair with a neighbour/work colleague/ family friend or anyone else you are likely to encounter regularly. Not only are you more likely to be caught out, it can lead to awkward situations when the affair has ended.
  • Ensure you always have an infallible alibi. Beware of relying on others to back you up too often; instead try to construct believable reasons for why you were alone, including sufficient detail to ensure there is little room for suspicion.
  • Leave no evidence behind! Even the slightest slip up, such as a receipt discarded in the car, can lead to discovery.

Whatever your orientation, cheater or cheated, I hope this guide has been of use to you.

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  1. I was seeing a man who i found out later he was married. I asked him at the begi nning if he was married or had a girlfriend. He replied no. He just said, he not long ago got ot of a relationship that he person questioned him about his where abouts so much that he would not go thru that again so he wanted us to be friends, and whatever happened it happened. So i took it from there. We dated spent time together, went to dinner, and clubbing. I later noticed something wasn’t right, his cell was off a lot, and i only talked to him during the week, and he texted me some weekends. When i started to question he lied , and it didn’t make sense. I started to put 2 and 2 together. He even had a website on myspace saying he’s single, his sign, and don’t wont kids. I then did a background check, and found out somethings. His cell phone message and house message was the same. I pissed him off one day, and he said, don’t call or text since last person pissed him off like me. He told me he lived with aunt. Have a son. But check showed up with him and another woman’s name owning a house. I played it off, and said okay wont call nomore, but was right all along n know is married to this woman with the name, and i was calling her. It all turned around, he called n texted. I just ignored him, and he left job, and knocked on my door wanting to talk. I let him talk, and he explained. He wanted to carry on, and be friends. I said why after everything. So i said, will be friends, but later called to let wife know. Sent her a letter with a #, she called wanting to know all. I told all. She wanted to get both sides, he just lied with i told her not to call, but i let wife know i didn’t know of him being married n what happened. Wife was shocked. Wife said, they have 3 kids. I told her woman 2 woman she had a right 2 know, and i was not dealing with him after hat he did. They argued the whole time i was on phone with him pissed in background with im just messing his home up while kids in back. I feel that i did right thing so this woman can know how a low down player her husband is. I don’t know what happened, but i just wanted to teach him a lesson that it was wrong to go around playing people, i guess he got played at the end. I hope his wife wasn’t fooled with his lies. Always go by your gut feelings woman. Men r such dogs. He made a vow not me.
    Caught a liar

  2. She says, Even if i did which i dont i wouldnt feel guilty?

  3. @Linda

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this touchy subject. I agree you were probably right to do what you did. After all, what’s to say this man hadn’t been manipulating other women before you? His wife does have a right to know: when children are involved, cheating is a very serious “crime” against marriage. I hope things work out well for you. Just don’t feel that all men are the same. There are some diamonds out there in the rough!!

  4. that sounds like what happened to me.

    he was married, but told me he wasn’t. eventually we moved intogether and are still together, but i know he has seen another woman and bought her flowers and i suspect something else is going on with someone else now – but what do i expect?
    to be honest, i am seriously thinking about the pros and cons of us staying together now. I feel i am going mad alway suspecting and he doesn’t trust me as he thinks i will turn up at his workplace..

  5. Hi My Name Is ivazyr.

  6. I cheated…

    I thought it was something everyone in a relationship did and so i wanted to see what it felt like to cheat on my girlfriend.

    Well, what happened was virtually exactly how linda related it…. except im not married and didn;t have kids. I just had a girlfriend.

    Advice to men: never cheat. I feel like punishing myself so bad, I wish I could just die. I hurt two women who put their trust in me. I deserve neither one of them and so remain alone, dying here…

  7. I loved my wife and two kids and they meant the world to me. After a few years into my marriage my wife had a affair with my father. I found out about this much later and when i did, my whole life got shattered. I got depressed and felt helpless since I could not think of leaving my kids and breaking up the family. It took me two years to come out of my depression and start leading a normal life with my wife. I forgive her and never bought out the topic again. Unfortunately after a couple of years later I checked her mobile bills and found out she was now with another man. She confessed and said she is sorry and will never do it again. She says she loves me which is a joke. Well I am the joker because I am unable to hurt my children by walking out or breaking the family in any way. So I suffer everyday and I also developed a problem with my heart. Luckily the angiography report was good. I am now recovering my health slowly and well this is my life.

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